COVID UPDATE: AIRLINES NOW OFFERING OUTDOOR SEATING

In the latest coronavirus-related news, WOM has learned that at least one airline is responding to social distancing requirements by offering outdoor seating during flights. In other news, wildlife is reacting to COVID-19 in an odd and most surprising way.

While these stories may sound unlikely -- even crazy -- read on and judge for yourself.

AIRLINES TO OFFER OUTDOOR SEATING?!
By Boyce Day | July 24, 2020 | Weekly World News
     
I’LL HAVE A WING, PLEASE!
As the country struggles to get back to work amid the coronavirus pandemic, industries are learning to cope by adapting. Service industries are promoting new cleaning practices. Retail stores are limiting attendance. And restaurants are welcoming diners back, but not allowing them inside—rather, there’s a resurgence of outdoor dining, with sidewalk tables set up under umbrellas and spaced for safe social distancing.

Now another bruised and battered industry is taking its lead from restaurants—the airline industry. “I was out to dinner with my wife,” says Cal Newton, the CEO of Flystar, a small carrier that operates out of Columbus, Ohio. “We were shown to our seat and had a lovely meal. There was a breeze, and sunlight. It was such a pleasant experience that I started to think about how we could transfer it to an air travel setting. The very next morning, I woke up and emailed my team to set up a group call.” 

On the call Newton and his team began to explore the possibility of setting up outdoor seating on their airplanes. “The wings are pretty big,” says James Gershon, the head of marketing at Flystar. “I haven’t measured them but they’re at least as big as a park bench. So we sketched out a seating arrangement that would put up to three passengers on each wing, safely social distanced.”

NOT JUST SKETCH!
The team didn’t just sketch out the plan. They put it into practice. Passengers waiting for Saturday’s 2 pm flight from Columbus to Wilmington, Delaware — what Flystar affectionately calls “The Assistant Manager Express” — were greeted by an unfamiliar gate announcement. “Those passengers willing to fly on the wing can earn a voucher for either one free flight or the equivalent value in in-flight on-demand video programming.”

“I made the announcement myself,” says Pamela D’Ora, Flystar’s Chief Innovation Officer. “Drove out to the airport, hopped on the PA, and told people about the new offer.”

At first, passengers seemed shocked, but after a second and third announcement, they began to laugh more comfortably.

George Theiss was the first to approach the counter. “I thought they meant sit behind the wing, inside the plane,” he says. “Of course I did. Who would have even imagined the other? In fact, I didn’t realize it until I was taken to board early, which involved being driven out to the plane, hoisted up on to the left wing, and strapped in tight like I was getting surgery or something.” 

“George jumped at the chance,” says D’Ora, “but we couldn’t take off unless we had an even number.” About fifteen minutes later, Henrietta Grady, a 91-year-old woman who was traveling to visit her newborn great-grandchild, made her way to the counter. “I actually thought of going when I first heard the offer,” she says. “I’m a little slow with my walker.” Grady opted in as well, and the Flystar staff drove her out to the right wing. “We needed to put a forty-pound sack of dried beans on her lap so that she balanced off George,” said Gershon. “It was a bit of guesswork because she wouldn’t tell us her exact weight.”

The flight took off and landed without incident, though the new arrangement drew mixed reviews from its early adopters. Theiss reported being “let’s just say a little unnerved,” while Grady, smiling broadly, said that she hadn’t had a thrill like that “since the rollie coaster in Baltimore back in the forties.”

COMING WEEKS
Flystar plans to add more wing seats in the coming weeks, along with additional amenities that will include a tube to deliver beverages and virtual-reality goggles that will give passengers the illusion that they are safely inside the plane. 

And they have been fielding calls from larger airlines. “I can’t say which,” says Gershon, “but you would recognize their logos.”

“Everyone seems excited about this,” says Newton. “It’s always thrilling to be at the ground floor of a revolution.” 

AMERICAN BEARS VOW NOT TO ATTACK CAMPERS WEARING MASKS!
By Brick Rivers | July 27, 2020 | Weekly World News

“WE HAVE TO PRESERVE OUR FOOD SOURCE!” DECLARES GRIZZLY
“It really is an environmental first,” says Gus Grizzly, the President of the American Bears Association. “It’s the first time that Grizzlies and our Brown Bear brethren and our Black Bear friends have come together on anything. Usually, we’re all snarling at each other over a dead fish.”

It all started last March when Gus, who hails from Montana, began to notice a difference in the number of campers going into parks. There were less than usual. As the weeks passed, the number kept dwindling. Gus then reached out to his Brown bear cousin, Ben, to go into the suburbs and see what was going on down there. Ben agreed, coming back with both information and fur reeking of every sauce found in a Chinese restaurant. (“I considered that dumpster a necessary perk,” Ben states.)

Once the bear population began to realize what was going on with Covid-19 and learned of the importance of masks for humans to survive, they called a summit; the first one of its kind. One hundred bears, representing various national branches, convened in Bass River State Forest in New Jersey, where they faced the facts, ate a lot of Taylor Pork Roll and learned the word “jamoke.”

 “We knew we had to preserve our food source,” Gus says, bluntly. “Oh, I don’t mean we see people as food, well, rarely…but, they’re a food source. They go camping in the forest, loaded with food. They leave half of it unguarded at night. We just creep in and pig out. I really love the families. The kids bring so much junk food. I mean to compare chomping chemically-filled human flesh with chowing down on Twinkies? No contest.”

 “WE WENT FULL DISNEY AND DANCED.”
He heaves a sigh: “So, the less campers meant the less food for us.” 

“We put word out to some of the environmental groups. If campers wear facemasks, we won’t bother them. In fact? We’ll take selfies with ‘em. The word spread. One family showed up. We went full Disney and danced and brought out the cubs to be cuddled. The next weekend? There were six families. And it’s been on the increase ever since. Plus, everyone is having such a good time, the campers actually feed us.”

What’s the point of the bears’ behavior? Gus sighs. “I’m 25 years old, which is Grizzly Geezer status. I’ve seen a lot. I don’t really like people all that much because of their attitude about the land. They feel they can kill it, poison it and level it without any payback.

 “But, as I’ve learned, there are just as many good people out there who will never stop fighting to preserve the land. Those are the people we want to save. We co-exist. So, we figured if we could get people to wear masks in the middle of the forest where masks aren’t really required, it’ll make it easier for them to keep the masks on when they return home.”

Bernard, a Black bear who’s been sitting nearby on a picnic bench, whuffed in agreement. “Like it or not, bears and people are neighbors. Now, you may have a neighbor who is just awful, a real pain in the ass. But over the years, you’ve gotten used to him. Now, if something bad is going to happen to him, you try to save him. Why? He’s your neighbor.”

ANY BLOW BACK FOR THE BEARS?
 Weekly World News thanked the bears for telling their story.

 At that point, Ben galloped up. “The Chinese Restaurant just dumped their garbage!”

All the bears but Gus galloped off. “I’m too old for that,” he chuckled.

 Weekly World News asked Gus if he’d gotten any political blowback for his endorsement of masks. He shrugged. “We had a truck filled with yahoos pull up a few weeks back. One guy jumped out waving a pistol in his right hand. He charged me.”

What happened? “By the time he made it back to the truck, his new nickname was ‘Lefty.’”